If he asked me, I'd say yes.

As the hellishness of clearing out the old apartment came to a close, I decided to try out my new bike on the road in front of my uncle's house. I haven't ridden a bike in seven or eight years. Seriously. The snow is almost entirely melted now and the sun was so warm and cheery today as I pedaled up and a down the road. Remember when you were a kid and you finally got to take your bike out for a ride after a long winter of waiting? I didn't remember that feeling until today. And for that moment, spring was magic again. I was free again. The wind was in my hair and I could go anywhere. Yes, now I remember. 

Second semester starts in about eight hours. This is my last chance. Must not fuck this up.

I did it. I tried to make it look like an accident.

"Hey, are you there?" No, of course you're not - not when I really need you.

Feeling kind of abandoned. My best friend isn't loyal to me and doesn't care if we remain friends or not. My boyfriend is...I have no idea. I'm getting really worried about that at this point. Was it ever real to him? Was it just a fling for him? If so, why would he tell me he loved me? Regardless, I am through with chasing after him. I've sent him messages online and left messages for him on the phone. It's up to him now. And if he doesn't get back to me soon, I'll just have to move on. I hate chasing after people. It's so...undignified. I hate having to work too hard for anyone's attention. It makes me feel pathetic. And no one is worth that lowly feeling.

Running all my errands today was weird. I had to do lots of banking, taxes and school-related things. Doing things like that make me feel like a fraud, like I am feebly attempting to play the role of the responsible adult. All my professional papers, my cigarettes, my coffee, my lady-like lamb's wool coat...they are all just props in this charade of being a grown-up. But I am not a kid anymore either. At my high school today, I was struck by how youthfully silly and flippant the girls there seemed, gossiping and flipping their hair. I'm not one of them anymore. Yet, somewhere along the way to this point, I missed something. I missed some important piece of the puzzle of growing up because I was too busy having clandestine affairs with men at least five years my senior, too busy shivering with anxiety in every public place, too busy slicing up my flesh each night to temporarily relieve my stagnant sadness. And in all that mess, something vital went over my head. I just hope it's not too late for me to figure it out.

Tried to apply to college today, but the Ontario colleges site is down, as is the Canada revenue site, so I couldn't get my tax refund cheque today either. Poop. Had a heated phone argument with my so-called best friend. She still wants to be friends with a guy who assaulted me earlier this month. And yet I am a horrible person for thinking that she should choose sides. Fuck. Really, really want to go out for some beer and good company this evening but M. is still MIA and I can't get a hold of anyone else who might be interested in hanging out in a dingy, artsy bar all night. Doing chores for gramma at the moment - well, supposed to be. Guess I should head back to that.

Tried to arrange something with M. for tonight. He says he's hurt his leg, but he's not even talking to me online. I offered to visit him at his house, but he didn't reply.

Maybe I'll just go out by myself tonight.

Pints with M. last night. Many, many pints. I was so drunk that I hardly remember the walk home. All I remember is stopping in a churchyard to lay down in the snow. Once we got to my apartment, I baked a frozen pizza for us and we went to bed. The more I get to know him, the more I love him. At some point last night we were talking about our favourite names and M. said that if he ever had a daughter he would name her Freyja. Freyja. My patron goddess. And the name that I have for years known I will give to my firstborn daughter. The odds of this whole Freyja incident happening astound me. Later, as we fell asleep in each other's arms, M. said, "You're too pretty for make-up."

Today was spent in bed, holding and massaging and kissing and laughing. I cannot express how wonderful it is to just...be with him.

Poet Boy came back to town. I felt guilty during our instant message conversation because I didn't mention anything about M. and me. I guess I have no reason to feel guilty, considering he kind of ditched me and we had no real commitments to each other. But still.

Maybe it's better not to tell him online anyway.

 

Nightmares last night, but I don't remember them. I just know that once I realized I was dreaming, I shook myself awake.

Everyone was thrilled to have me going back to school. And I will admit it - I have missed being there. The atmosphere there can be overwhelming when I am feeling down, but when I am in a good mood it is exhilarating to be surrounded by so much youthful and creative energy. 

I was pleased to discover that M. had told a couple of mutual friends about our relationship, which seems to show me that he is at least somewhat serious about this. I always worry about that. I am planning to go out with him this evening for a couple of pints. I have missed him greatly since we parted on Monday. It is a little frightening to me that I am already so emotionally attached to him, but I think I discussed that enough yesterday. For now, I will just try to enjoy what we have.

For my last three credits of high school, I have decided to do a co-op placement at an elementary school near where I live. My last placement was at a daycare centre and it was lots of fun but also kind of exhausting. I hope I am up to this. I enjoy working with children, partly because they have a way of both cheering me up and making me realize what is really important in life.