dysthymic dreams

dailleurs @ 2008-07-13T17:24:00

2008-07-14T21:25:56Z

If he asked me, I'd say yes.

my new wheels

2008-04-07T04:15:04Z

As the hellishness of clearing out the old apartment came to a close, I decided to try out my new bike on the road in front of my uncle's house. I haven't ridden a bike in seven or eight years. Seriously. The snow is almost entirely melted now and the sun was so warm and cheery today as I pedaled up and a down the road. Remember when you were a kid and you finally got to take your bike out for a ride after a long winter of waiting? I didn't remember that feeling until today. And for that moment, spring was magic again. I was free again. The wind was in my hair and I could go anywhere. Yes, now I remember.

soo nervous

2008-02-04T05:29:21Z

Second semester starts in about eight hours. This is my last chance. Must not fuck this up.

failure

2008-01-28T08:10:24Z

I did it. I tried to make it look like an accident.

"Hey, are you there?" No, of course you're not - not when I really need you.

dailleurs @ 2008-01-22T22:31:00

2008-01-23T03:36:09Z

Feeling kind of abandoned. My best friend isn't loyal to me and doesn't care if we remain friends or not. My boyfriend is...I have no idea. I'm getting really worried about that at this point. Was it ever real to him? Was it just a fling for him? If so, why would he tell me he loved me? Regardless, I am through with chasing after him. I've sent him messages online and left messages for him on the phone. It's up to him now. And if he doesn't get back to me soon, I'll just have to move on. I hate chasing after people. It's so...undignified. I hate having to work too hard for anyone's attention. It makes me feel pathetic. And no one is worth that lowly feeling.

Running all my errands today was weird. I had to do lots of banking, taxes and school-related things. Doing things like that make me feel like a fraud, like I am feebly attempting to play the role of the responsible adult. All my professional papers, my cigarettes, my coffee, my lady-like lamb's wool coat...they are all just props in this charade of being a grown-up. But I am not a kid anymore either. At my high school today, I was struck by how youthfully silly and flippant the girls there seemed, gossiping and flipping their hair. I'm not one of them anymore. Yet, somewhere along the way to this point, I missed something. I missed some important piece of the puzzle of growing up because I was too busy having clandestine affairs with men at least five years my senior, too busy shivering with anxiety in every public place, too busy slicing up my flesh each night to temporarily relieve my stagnant sadness. And in all that mess, something vital went over my head. I just hope it's not too late for me to figure it out.

what a day

2008-01-22T23:48:09Z

Tried to apply to college today, but the Ontario colleges site is down, as is the Canada revenue site, so I couldn't get my tax refund cheque today either. Poop. Had a heated phone argument with my so-called best friend. She still wants to be friends with a guy who assaulted me earlier this month. And yet I am a horrible person for thinking that she should choose sides. Fuck. Really, really want to go out for some beer and good company this evening but M. is still MIA and I can't get a hold of anyone else who might be interested in hanging out in a dingy, artsy bar all night. Doing chores for gramma at the moment - well, supposed to be. Guess I should head back to that.

...sigh...

2008-01-22T00:26:57Z

Tried to arrange something with M. for tonight. He says he's hurt his leg, but he's not even talking to me online. I offered to visit him at his house, but he didn't reply.

Maybe I'll just go out by myself tonight.

Freyja

2008-01-19T02:26:30Z

Pints with M. last night. Many, many pints. I was so drunk that I hardly remember the walk home. All I remember is stopping in a churchyard to lay down in the snow. Once we got to my apartment, I baked a frozen pizza for us and we went to bed. The more I get to know him, the more I love him. At some point last night we were talking about our favourite names and M. said that if he ever had a daughter he would name her Freyja. Freyja. My patron goddess. And the name that I have for years known I will give to my firstborn daughter. The odds of this whole Freyja incident happening astound me. Later, as we fell asleep in each other's arms, M. said, "You're too pretty for make-up."

Today was spent in bed, holding and massaging and kissing and laughing. I cannot express how wonderful it is to just...be with him.

guh

2008-01-17T16:25:49Z

Poet Boy came back to town. I felt guilty during our instant message conversation because I didn't mention anything about M. and me. I guess I have no reason to feel guilty, considering he kind of ditched me and we had no real commitments to each other. But still.

Maybe it's better not to tell him online anyway.

dailleurs @ 2008-01-17T06:53:00

2008-01-17T12:16:26Z

Nightmares last night, but I don't remember them. I just know that once I realized I was dreaming, I shook myself awake.

Everyone was thrilled to have me going back to school. And I will admit it - I have missed being there. The atmosphere there can be overwhelming when I am feeling down, but when I am in a good mood it is exhilarating to be surrounded by so much youthful and creative energy.

I was pleased to discover that M. had told a couple of mutual friends about our relationship, which seems to show me that he is at least somewhat serious about this. I always worry about that. I am planning to go out with him this evening for a couple of pints. I have missed him greatly since we parted on Monday. It is a little frightening to me that I am already so emotionally attached to him, but I think I discussed that enough yesterday. For now, I will just try to enjoy what we have.

For my last three credits of high school, I have decided to do a co-op placement at an elementary school near where I live. My last placement was at a daycare centre and it was lots of fun but also kind of exhausting. I hope I am up to this. I enjoy working with children, partly because they have a way of both cheering me up and making me realize what is really important in life.

sad yet safe

2008-01-16T10:42:09Z

Anxiety. Why am I the most anxious whenever I begin to feel truly content? I am afraid that the happiness washing over me will disappear at any moment and leave me cold and alone. Happiness is a dangerous thing. For the last couple of years, my usual mood has been that of a nearly deflated helium balloon, hanging barely above the rock-bottom ground of severe depression. It is an awful state in which to live - the lack of energy, the lack of interest, and the general lack of hope. But there is some safety there too because I am accustomed to such a state. And because having very little means having very little to lose. That's it. I am afraid of loving and losing, in any way. I am afraid that if I do finally find a life which I can enjoy, it will not last and I will not even be hovering above rock-bottom then - I will truly have nothing left.

I am going to go to the high school today to enroll in courses for next semester. This is the last time I am going to attempt to get those last three credits I need to get my diploma. This is my last chance, so of course I am afraid of failing once again. In addition to those three credits, I am going to attempt to upgrade another credit so that I can possibly attend university someday. I will have a full schedule at school and that idea itself is overwhelming. I really hate being there, surrounded by kids so young I could have - and in a couple of cases did - babysat them. I am too old for high school. But I must fight this final battle if I am ever going to move forward to something better. That is what I have to keep in mind.

I am also anxious about M. if for no other reason than that he makes me so unbelievably happy. The two days we spent together made me feel things I have never felt before, both physically and emotionally. I am afraid to let someone - a mere flawed human being like myself - make me so happy. I don't want to be afraid of this anymore though. That song by the Cure, "Lovesong" - that is how I felt those two days we were inseparable. As lame as it sounds, that is all I have ever wanted from a relationship - someone to make that song true for me.

someone loves me

2008-01-15T21:32:21Z

I can't believe it.

I went out for some drinking, live music and dancing on Saturday night. Of course there were some friends downtown also. After the bars closed, a group of us went wandering around to find a good party. We stopped at one house where none of us knew anyone and nothing was really going on besides a lot of sitting around. I convinced the rest of the people I was with to go to another party we'd heard mentioned. On the way there, a guy I had met once or twice before caught up with us and asked if he could come along to the party. (I will call him M.) M. and I have many friends in common but had never talked one-on-one before that night.

Finally at the second party, M. and I chatted on the living-room floor of a house whose owners we again did not know. How amazing that we laughed at the same things, that he knew what references I was making before I had to explain it. And how amazingly gorgeous he was. He is tall with wispy blond hair, blue eyes and the most perfect lips I've ever seen. I wanted to be more alone with him, so I asked him if he wanted to go out for a smoke with me. We weren't alone on the front porch either though. People stumbled off the street and chatted with us, as did people from inside the house. I might have been frustrated that my plan had be thwarted had I not still been somewhat buzzed from all the beer I'd drank earlier that night. Back inside, M. and I found the living-room now empty, so we sat down on the little sofa. I noticed he sat very close to me, leaning in as we continued to talk. At some arbitrary point in our conversation, he kissed me. And we just kept kissing. As we moved our hands over each other's bodies, we could hear the other people around us talking awkwardly about us - "I don't know - I've never seen them before" - and wondering what do about this. Their uncomfortable chatter made M. and I giggle, but we soon decided to leave for his house.

I admit it: we had sex. Yes, we had practically just met that night. And yes, we had both been casually dating other people up to that point. But it all didn't matter. We were in the basement of his house, a nicely furnished room with a sectional couch and a television and all that. We turned off the lights and explored each other, illuminated only by an orange streetlight streaming in through a tiny window. Afterward, M. stroked me from my chest to my hips and sighed, "You're like an oil painting." It was probably the most wonderful compliment about my appearance I have ever received. We went upstairs to sleep in his bed. As we wrapped our arms around one another, he said to me, "You're a goddess." I was smitten.

The next night, I met him at the fancy little restaurant where he works washing dishes. It was nearly midnight as we walked to the cafe/bar down the street. We sat at candle-lit table in a dim corner drinking plenty of beer. Soon we were kissing again. And we were talking about starting an "official relationship". I did not have high hopes, as I have not had much luck with that sort of thing in recent years. But we both agreed that it was a possibility but perhaps we should wait awhile longer. I kissed him on his ear, ran my tongue over it and he said, "That's it - you're my girlfriend." I was thrilled. With our arms across each other's waists, we drunkenly walked to his house where we again found ourselves in the basement and naked. This time though, as he reached his climax, he told me that he loved me.

Cya

2008-01-12T03:04:04Z

He left for an indefinite amount of time. Left town. "Cya".

I should give up on him now. He doesn't care.

Oh, that adorable poet boy. His words intoxicated me. I wish his actions would too.

coaster

2008-01-12T00:59:46Z

A Memory:

I am ten years old. My fifth-grade teacher is lecturing me in the hall outside of the classroom because I whispered a lewd joke to my friend during class. "Do you want to just coast through life?" he questions me. He is very frustrated with me and his frustration increases when I don't understand what he is asking me. I've never heard the phrase before. "I mean, do you want to just take the easy route your whole life?"

"I guess so," I shrug. I am sincere. But my teacher is infuriated by my response. He orders me to sit in the hallway and think about what I've said for the rest of the day. I sit there crying because I don't understand what I've done wrong.

Nearly ten years later, I still don't quite understand what's wrong with choosing the easy way. If there is an easy way and a hard way out of something, why would I - why would anyone - choose the latter? I'm still sitting in the hallway outside the classroom door, trying to understand.

really.

2008-01-09T12:39:01Z

Found his poetry in a cafe, Made sense of the sounds. Having to work at it made it more meaningful, like deciphering a mystical ancient text. Found him in the nebulous web of computers. We met. Wandered around downtown for hours, just talking, side by side. By the New Year I knew, knew I loved him. Never told him so. Slept in past noon in his bed that day, his waif-like body next to mine, his wavy hair against my cheek. Being with him in his bohemian house felt like going home again. He kissed me good-bye.

Just days later, he told me was still healing from another. He didn't know how this had happened so quickly. Asked me for time.

Why are they always overwhelmed by me? Why do I confuse them, make them question so much?

I am actually quite simple, really.